Monday, March 10, 2008

Orclette' Guide to Life

-written by her loving, adoring, very tired mother at rattle-point-

0-2 months
It must be remembered that it was VERY comfy in utero. Upon the horrific and unasked-for-by-you expulsion from this abode your objections MUST be made known. The Big People must pay, and pay dearly, for their acts of unkindness towards you. Besides, it is time to start working on your evil and diabolical plan. What is that? you ask? Why, to take over the world, of course. Personally I recommend a bit of crying. Work it in between the multiple rests you MUST take to keep your strength up. A lovely little trick I learned was to pretend to fall asleep only to wake up screaming a few minutes later. The Big People will love it. (gleeful chuckle)

2-4 months
Now's the time to exert your dominion over the Big People. Don't worry about their bigger size-you have weapons fit enough to bring them down to size. First up: The Smile. They will be BEGGING you for more. Whip it out sparingly and you will have them eating out of your hand. They will be putty, to be molded into your bigger plan (of total domination).

4-6 months
Around this time you will be ready to pull out your next weapon: The Crawl. Or perhaps just The Creeper. Doesn't matter which. They will LOVE it. At least at first. Then they will begin to see that they are no longer in charge. It won't fully sink in yet, but the seeds of understanding are there. And you will find that any object in the house is now accessible by you. I recommend focusing on the objects that elicit the loudest shouts and make them your top priority. You will rock the Big People's world. And you're one step closer to FULL mobility and, of course, total domination.

6-8 months

As if it weren't enough that they dragged you from your comfortable first apartment NOW they will want to change your dietary habits. An array of strange, unappetizing and weird-looking food will be paraded before you. The Big People will attempt to fool you into taking a bite. You can attain mastery of this situation by carefully choosing what you will let into your mouth. And if you choose unwisely, no worry, spit it back out. The Big People will be so excited to see you accepting a bite that they will go along with whatever you do afterwards.

It is also around this time period that, if you've been practicing The Crawl, that you can begin practicing The Stand. This MUST be mastered in order to perfect The Walk. The Big People will make loud noises and embarrass themselves in excitement over your new accomplishment little knowing what doom awaits them. (gleeful chuckle)

8 months and beyond
As a conscientious writer I pledge only to write what I know. As I just attained the 8-month mark I cannot write of what lies beyond. At least not yet. But rest assured, my Faithful Followers, that I WILL write of what is to come. My vision WILL come to pass. NOTHING will stand in my way! FOR ORCLETTE!

5 comments:

Nasirah said...

lol This is awseome. FOR ORCLETTE!

Softi said...

go Orclette! Don't let the Bi People win! Our Gnomes (2.5yrs old and 5 months) are little terrors... still love em though! I would prefer it if the younger one didn't wake so much at night though *sigh*

You think Orclette's having fun now... wait til she starts to talk - that's great fun! :D

Softi said...

*big people... I meant BIG people!! >_<

Daxenos said...

Talking? No problem!

Wait until they start backtalking; that's where the fun is!

gamedame said...

Oh such a cute and hilarious post! I hope we have more guest columns from her as she continues her Pinkie-and-the-Brainlike quest. FOR ORCLETTE!