Lamentations

I stare at an uncertain future.  I worry about how tomorrow will go or if I will have a place to sleep in six months.  I am scared that all I'm doing is failing even more spectacularly than I ever have before.  I have no peace.  I stare at my children's face and wonder if I am betraying them.  I fear constantly that I have let down my spouse.  Where am I and how do I get away from here?

I don't know what its like to have nothing from day to day but I certainly don't know from month to month.  So far everything has worked, so far nothing has broken too badly.  But how long will I be able to keep this up?  How long until everyone sees through this facade of success and I am dragged away to pay debts I cannot and my family goes without?

Where is my hope?  Where is my future?  Where is my promise?

 "To you, LORD, I call; 

   you are my Rock, 

   do not turn a deaf ear to me. 

For if you remain silent, 

   I will be like those who go down to the pit. 

Hear my cry for mercy 

   as I call to you for help, 

as I lift up my hands 

   toward your Most Holy Place."

Where are the ravens to feed me?  Where is the water from the rock?  I am the son of a slave and I am dying in the desert.  God what crime have I done?  Too many to count.  But for your Son's sake save me!  Save me that his promise is true!  Give me hope!  How can I go forward if I see nothing but despair?

What is man that you care for us?  What are we that you watch us?  But if you watch save me!  I cannot save myself, my skills have failed, my hands.....are worthless.  Save me because I despair and falter.  Like a sheep with no water I stumble.  I fall and rise no more.

What friend can save me?  What comrade can pull me up?  My friends are like me, without hope.  If one of us falls the others cannot rush to his rescue.  We simply stair in quiet futility as one after another falls never to rise again.  What can be done?  Who can save us?  Who will save us?

Let me hear you.  Let me see you.  Turn me to dust.  Let me repent in ashes.

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Blood drops.

Blood falls.

Blood stirs the dust.

The forgotten are forgiven.

The dust becomes bone.

Bone gathers muscle.

Muscle skin.

From death comes life.

In the stillness, He is exalted.

I remember you.  I see the empty tomb.  I hear the voice in the silence.  I bow and recognize my foolish words.  You are SAVIOR.  You are REDEEMER.  You see me.  You know me.  Save me Lord, no one else can.  Clothed in the blood, I kneel.  At Calvary's dawn I wait.  In the garden I seek.  Call me Lord, your presence, your grace, your mercy, I cannot live without them.

Mercy Lord.  Mercy Son of David.  Have Mercy.  Give me strength.  Purify me.

Thomas the Train meets the First Punic War

I've been plowing through this week's readings for my military history class. Way behind, probably not going to get all of it done in time. Military formations, deployment of battle units? Not really page-turner material. I did, however, come across an interesting line. 

Recognize this dude? 

It's Sir Topham Hatt from Thomas the Train. He's constantly getting cross at Thomas ("Sir Topham Hatt was cross [again]") and bemoaning any sort of confusion and delay. He totally stole that line out of the textbook I'm reading:

"The arrangement [of the Roman fleet during the Battle of Ecmonus] was probably not only to aid the transports on their way ... and so avoid confusion and delay." (I have no idea what textbook this is from, all of our readings are provided online).

I would comment on how I'm obviously bored reading this material-which I am, in some ways-but the truth is that I'm always seeing stuff that relates to pop culture. We read a science fiction short story that spoke of the robots that had taken over the world as operating in a unit with no individual will. I totally had a Borg, you will be assimilated moment. Take a class with me and you will never get bored:)

Deprived. Oh, was I deprived!

I love reading. You could call me a voracious reader. Not just of fiction, either; I'll throw in history or serious literature too for good measure. In fact, I clearly remember getting myself into trouble when I was 10? 11? and my mom grounded me from books (I totally deserved it, although I don't remember what I did). The discipline worked-I was absolutely devastated-but I also remember that being the moment when I decided it wasn't good to let other people know, including family members, what you love because they could hurt you with it. Heavy, from a 10 year old. Or at least I think so.

Anyway, nowadays it seems I can't go an entire month away from the books. I saw this book:

And I had to have it. Victoria Holt was one of my first forays into historical fiction, although her stuff is more romance than history. Clean romance, in case you're wondering. She'll tell you that the heroine got herself abducted and that she's at the mercy of the dark, powerful and cruel lord and that he's taken advantage of her but she won't go into any further details (I believe that plot line was in "The Demon Lover"). For a girl of 12, though, it was probably inappropriate. I'm not sure how I smuggled stuff past my mom. Still kind of scared to ask her.

"Mistress of Mellyn" wasn't the only book I read. I got through two more by Sunday evening. It was absolutely wonderful. I adore slavish weekends of reading. It wasn't all fun and games, though. I also had to read this:

Some pretty weird stuff in there. Interesting, but weird. It's for my SF class. I love having a textbook that looks like this. Today the discussion starts on some of the readings in here. Can't wait.

While I enjoy reading all day my kids do not enjoy those days. We had to take a break to do this:

They're getting pretty good. AND they're very conscious of road safety:)

Cilantro blues and hey, guess what? I'm odd and weird..

Did you know that it is possible to have a bad reaction to cilantro? I didn't. I knew it was a taste you either loved or hated, and for years I have avoided the stuff. I don't like the smell, and I can't get past the taste. I don't think I've eaten anything, past a bite or two, that had cilantro in it.

Until last night. I was hungry, I was tired and I was at work with limited choices. I chose one of the healthier sandwiches our cafe offers and took a big bite, only to recoil. It tasted like cilantro, although it was only supposed to be spinach. I ate the whole thing, though, because surely cilantro was healthy, even if it tasted like diapers. Plus I had paid for the sandwich; might as well eat it.

Pretty much immediately following my break, though, I felt nauseous. I could still taste the cilantro. As the night wore on the feeling got worse until I felt like a walking throw-up time bomb. I managed to hold everything together, though, and got home without making a scene.


Did you know I'm odd? ("My daughter? Odd? What gave you an idea like that!?" from Beauty and the Beast). Statistically, apparently, students who sit in the back of the classroom get lower grades than those who sit in the front. I like to sit in the back and my grades have never suffered. This semester I have a teacher who likes us all to be up close and personal, though, so I'm having to sit farther forward than I usually do. It's very stressful. I explained that to Damm and he said I was totally weird. The whole conversation came about because I was wondering why engineering students and professors, male and female, look so frumpy. I don't think they should look like fashion models, and it's totally their own business what they wear, but it looks like no one ever taught them how to make good choices when it comes to clothing. I think Damm took umbrage at this point because he relates to the frumpy engineering students. Being a nerd, though, shouldn't preclude wearing semi-decent clothing. I'm a nerd and I dress somewhat fashionably. It has already been established, though, that I am weird. 


I blame it all on my mom:)