Thursday, February 23, 2012

Oy vey

It's been a rough week. First the Miniorc developed croup, which worsened, as croup tends to do. We went to the doctor on Friday, got the meds and figured it would go away. Lo and behold Sunday the cough worsened and Minorc had a few instances of (apparently) fighting for breath. We took him to the ER and experienced the incredulity of the staff (they obviously though we were overreacting about his cough) turn to concern as they discovered that it actually was good we brought him to the ER. He's fine, he's got the equivalent of a nebulizer (spelling?) and he's not coughing anymore. I haven't quite recovered from the doctor rolling his eyes at me when I said the words "I went on the internet ..." (in order to find out if his symptoms were severe enough to warrant the ER) but hey, my kid is fine and the doctor did know what he was talking about. Seriously, though, do doctors think their patients aren't going to go on the web? And what's wrong with WebMD or Dr. Sears?

That wasn't the end, however. The Orclette caught a cold and has spent the last couple of days bathing my towels with drainage. She's fine now and has got her energy back, but I think it safe to say that our energy levels have been seriously depleted. All in time for the weekend, our busiest time period and when I do a "clopener"-a close followed by an open. I used to do those things when I was younger all the time; I'd stop by my favorite convenience store and buy coffee, an energy drink and a diet soda and be good to go. Now, however, even drinking all of that wouldn't quite energize me in the same way. Yay for being older.

On the bright side, I think my military history paper won't be a travesty. I'm worried, because so far I've gotten scores in the low 80s for the quizzes in this class. I don't usually score that low, and I'm really hoping I'll get an "A" on the next one. I can still bring up the quiz average, and I think I have a good plan for doing so. It's frustrating, though, since I'm usually a straight-A student. I almost feel like throwing a pity-party for myself with my other straight-A friends. They understand the pain and doubt.

And on the brighter brighter side, I'm done for this day. My pillow is calling my name.

Monday, February 20, 2012


I stare at an uncertain future.  I worry about how tomorrow will go or if I will have a place to sleep in six months.  I am scared that all I'm doing is failing even more spectacularly than I ever have before.  I have no peace.  I stare at my children's face and wonder if I am betraying them.  I fear constantly that I have let down my spouse.  Where am I and how do I get away from here?

I don't know what its like to have nothing from day to day but I certainly don't know from month to month.  So far everything has worked, so far nothing has broken too badly.  But how long will I be able to keep this up?  How long until everyone sees through this facade of success and I am dragged away to pay debts I cannot and my family goes without?

Where is my hope?  Where is my future?  Where is my promise?

 "To you, LORD, I call; 
   you are my Rock, 
   do not turn a deaf ear to me. 
For if you remain silent, 
   I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
Hear my cry for mercy 
   as I call to you for help, 
as I lift up my hands 
   toward your Most Holy Place."

Where are the ravens to feed me?  Where is the water from the rock?  I am the son of a slave and I am dying in the desert.  God what crime have I done?  Too many to count.  But for your Son's sake save me!  Save me that his promise is true!  Give me hope!  How can I go forward if I see nothing but despair?

What is man that you care for us?  What are we that you watch us?  But if you watch save me!  I cannot save myself, my skills have failed, my hands.....are worthless.  Save me because I despair and falter.  Like a sheep with no water I stumble.  I fall and rise no more.

What friend can save me?  What comrade can pull me up?  My friends are like me, without hope.  If one of us falls the others cannot rush to his rescue.  We simply stair in quiet futility as one after another falls never to rise again.  What can be done?  Who can save us?  Who will save us?

Let me hear you.  Let me see you.  Turn me to dust.  Let me repent in ashes.
Blood drops.
Blood falls.
Blood stirs the dust.

The forgotten are forgiven.
The dust becomes bone.
Bone gathers muscle.
Muscle skin.
From death comes life.

In the stillness, He is exalted.

I remember you.  I see the empty tomb.  I hear the voice in the silence.  I bow and recognize my foolish words.  You are SAVIOR.  You are REDEEMER.  You see me.  You know me.  Save me Lord, no one else can.  Clothed in the blood, I kneel.  At Calvary's dawn I wait.  In the garden I seek.  Call me Lord, your presence, your grace, your mercy, I cannot live without them.

Mercy Lord.  Mercy Son of David.  Have Mercy.  Give me strength.  Purify me.