Saturday, May 10, 2014

On goals, plans, Walter Mitty, Rothfuss, and babies.

Oh and on the south pacific.  I was trying to describe to my brother today the longing.  And failing.  Terribly.  Stupid walter, mitty and stupid nim and her stupid island.

Six years ago when we were first writing this blog as a WoW blog and as an experiment it trying to make friends on the internet and moving into a new internet neighborhood of blogging myself and herself were in serious talks about our dreams and hopes in life and what we "REALLY" wanted out of life and how to get it.  Very SRS-BZNS all around.   So after a bit we realized that all of our dreams kept coming back to "get a degree and then...."

So I suckered convinced her into moving to Las Cruces, NM so we could go to school because it would be sooooo much cheaper and we could live with my parents(HAHAHHA*).   But regardless for the past six years all of our life efforts have been solely focused on one thing.  Get degree.  Get job after.  Start life part 2.
*We lasted 3 months with them**
**It wasn't your fault mom/dad.  We had no idea how much harder it is living with people after you've moved out.***
***Especially with both of us being natural introverts who don't like being around other people --all-- that much.****
****I like people a lot yes but only when I can control the interaction rate.

Well now we're there.  I've got my degree.  She is like 7-9 classes short of hers.  I have solid job.  We're ready to commence LIFE_PART_TWO.  So we sat down right, and opened up our carefully planned out folder for what our new goals/plans would be now that we've achieved step 1.  That folder is empty.  Not just empty but filled with dust, cobwebs, a vacant expression cricket and a broken penny.

And I feel like I'm suddenly a teenager again.  What am I supposed to do with my life now that I'm grown up?  And how can I do it responsibly and carefully because I have like... kids now.  And they're appreciative of meals, beds, and roofs.

So as I stare into the gurgling eyes of our newest.  And watch my eldest explain the finer points of magical horse interaction with superheros to her brother.  I start facing the longing again.

I long to see other places.

I long to write, and to draw.

I long for long walks and laughter over imaginary things and angry discussions about who really would have won that game if only and etc.

***  Train tracks jumped.***

And some,  well most of those things are just simply a part of life and can happen and do happen anywhere you go.  I have some -amazing- friends.  People who have saved lives overseas and here and don't even realize how their lives are capable of making others tremble around them.  People who have played for broadway and touched the dead sea scrolls and build bridges while being dedicated fathers in the desert.  People who are effusively cheerful and happy and keep others afloat when all of the sorrows of life are sweeping over them.  People who were there when you needed them, who dedicated their lives to the care of another and watched their career and personal goals get sacrificed and never even thought of doing otherwise because the other was more important.  People who have been there, seen that, and still managed to put to shame anyone they meet because they can do it all while juggling a huge family and all the cares of the world.

Damn, I started this off trying to explain why I longed to write but I needed to stop and describe those who helped me along the way and I can't even list them all.  We have been so incredibly blessed by the people we've known in this journey.  And what is even more amazing is that so many of them probably have no idea of how much they ever touched our lives.  There were a number of times where I would walk into school and be down and hating life and a friend would just smile and tease me about hugs.  I'd grouse and grumble about unwanted physical contact but the truth is that those hugs and that teasing kept me afloat at a time when I really and truly thought I wasn't going to make it.    When I expected to fail so spectacularly that everyone would have to leave me just so the ripple effects wouldn't drag them under.  Hyperbole?  Probably but when you are feeling that way it doesn't feel that way.

The other impact is all the people who played rabbit for me.  When dogs race sometimes people put a mechanical rabbit out in front of them.  The rabbit always goes -just- a little bit faster than the dog.  Not so fast that she'll give up but fast enough that she'll never catch it.   Catch-able but always taunting.  These friends were the ones doing the amazing things.  None of them ever looked back and said "you can't do this... I'm so much more amazing then you".  Hell none of them probably even thought they were amazing.  But they drove me onward.  There was no way on this earth, under this sun, with this breath I was going to watch them do something and say "Oh it is too hard.  I can't do that."  Their examples shamed me when I whined too much.  Their smiles required that I smile.  To show that I could to.  And I did much better and much more than I would have had they not been there.

And finally there were the advisers.  Those who saw our trials and came along side and helped carry the load and encourage us and shelter us.

I wish I could name everyone.  I can't because my memory is so faulty and the names keep popping up.  I've only been writing this for 30 min and I've already got 50+ names so instead I'm just going to be generic in my thanks.  But wow, everyone who was there for us, you really and truly impacted our lives and helped transform a family.  Thank you.