Friday, March 5, 2010

Am I really part of the human race?

Yesterday morning I went to the gym. I have to get up at 4:20 a.m. in order to get to the gym, do my entire routine, get back, and be ready in time to leave the house at 7 a.m. And yesterday I couldn't bring myself to hop on the elliptical or the treadmill and so I got onto a recumbent bike, from which position its really easy to watch VHS or MTV. So that's what I was doing. And I saw the music video that goes along with Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" song. It's odd, but that's what she does so I was expecting something along those lines. And at the beginning of the song she and her dancers look like aliens.

Part two of my lengthy explanation of my title "Am I really part of the human race?": The writer of this professionally done blog I read recently commented that her 10-month old son started to sleep through the night. Before that point she had considered giving up because the waking up every night with no recourse was slowly eroding away her humanity. But now that he sleeps through the night she feels human again.

Miniorc doesn't sleep through the night. On good night he wakes up 3-4 times. On bad nights it's every 1 1/2-2 hours. For the last 6 1/2 months my humanity has been slowly eroding away ... and last night when he woke up AFTER I HAD JUST FED HIM and would not stop crying ... I am not human anymore. My brain has been crushed into a state of torpor, my body has given up all hope of not waking up tired.

(3 years from now when I consider the possibility of a 3rd child you will send me back to this post if you consider me a friend.)

The Orclette did eventually sleep through the night. The Miniorc will too. I'm not willing to deviate from our childrearing philosophy yet and let him "cry it out"-partly because we live with Damm's parents and brothers and they do not appreciate him crying at all hours of the night. The other part-I have definite opinions on what is ok and what is not for my children and I won't change those opinions lightly (my opinions do not extend to how you, the logical and loving parent, are raising your child).

My hopes are on the 10-month marker. And on the next semester-every time I feel like sitting down on the sidewalk and crying I tell myself this is the hardest semester and that everything will get better once we get through it. I will become a human again. No more weird little white mask thingies for me-that's what Lady Gaga was wearing in her music video and what I envisioned myself in every time I thought about this subject.

Or, now that I think about it, I could hum that "Life Will Go On" song sung by Celine Dion. The Titanic one. It's a total upper.

Or "Rude Boys" by Rihanna. Makes me remember how I got my two little ones and why.

Or ... bother, I'm out. I try hard not to listen to the radio and so my knowledge of what's out there is fairly limited.

I shall leave you with a favorite quote of mine, uttered by that man of men, Winston Churchill :)

"Never never never quit."

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