Two, and three.

For those of you who are still following us I'd like to redirect you over to our new blog project, www.wordsremember.com . Damm and I have embarked on artistic and literary adventures and have even opened our own etsy shop which you can find here . Thanks!

So when I'm writing in the evening, I listen to music.  It helps me get mentally away from the day and drowns out distractions.  And occasionally the music will create a story as the emotions wrapped in the lyrics lift me and enable me to carry a feeling through.  The following story was oddly the result of these songs: Iggy Azalea, "Black Widow" Selena Gomez, "The Heart Wants What It Wants" Ariana Grande, "Love me harder" Sia, "Chandelier" Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj, "Bang Bang" After I got done and looked at the play list I wanted to laugh. Here's my story: Day-fall. Rise from the grave of light. Scales dripping with grains of forgetfulness.  Taste of the desert on your tongue.  Fires of a midnight sun in your eye.     Standing firm on a shifting pile of time.  Watched by the bones of the earth.  Hugged by the chill of the wind.  Blink against the spines of the vanishing sta...

February 22 was the anniversary of Cayden's funeral. I spent the day not thinking about it, forcefully turning my mind from memories and images. I had to do this, to keep from moving into a state of utter panic. There was a GurgleOrc waiting to be born. His due date was February 27. He was moving consistently, but I still poked and prodded him if he went longer than an hour or so without adjusting position. He was late, as all mine have been. He made his appearance on March 2. I spent the entire labor refusing to believe that it was actually happening, that what I was feeling weren't Braxton-Hicks contractions. By four in the afternoon the pain was intense enough that I decided I needed that blessed epidural. So we went, were admitted, I was praised for my calm demeanor and asked if I was sure I really needed the epidural? I assured them I did, that I was only calm because I knew it was coming. Around nine that evening the nurse announced it was time to push. We spent a few m...

Oh and on the south pacific.  I was trying to describe to my brother today the longing.  And failing.  Terribly.  Stupid walter, mitty and stupid nim and her stupid island. Six years ago when we were first writing this blog as a WoW blog and as an experiment it trying to make friends on the internet and moving into a new internet neighborhood of blogging myself and herself were in serious talks about our dreams and hopes in life and what we "REALLY" wanted out of life and how to get it.  Very SRS-BZNS all around.   So after a bit we realized that all of our dreams kept coming back to "get a degree and then...." So I suckered convinced her into moving to Las Cruces, NM so we could go to school because it would be sooooo much cheaper and we could live with my parents(HAHAHHA*).   But regardless for the past six years all of our life efforts have been solely focused on one thing.  Get degree.  Get job after.  Start life part 2. *We l...

Okay wow.  It sure has been ages since I've posted anything here. I'll have to do a life-story-recap but what reminded me to post was someone harassing me about Payment a story that I wrote almost four years ago now.  So, since it has been so long I"m putting the first two bits and the latest bit together and posting it here. ======================================================================== Alice was 33. She was the head personal maid to her Ladyship the Duchess. She obtained this illustrious position because she was clean, organized, neat, and prompt about her duties. She obtained those attributes by always looking forwards to the next task. Never daydreaming, never being distracted by life's hopes. Always anticipating what would happen next. That was why she was at the ball. As a young girl she used to daydream of princes and castles. That ended when her parents disappeared one night. After a week of waiting the uncaring town officials had her packaged ...

This paper came from my time at AHPCRC this summer.

I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner but drawing with the kids is all kinds of cool.

To say that we live just doesn’t seem right.  I eat I move. I drink.  I even sleep. But… it doesn’t feel right.  753 days ago I woke up in the garden alone and covered in dew laying on a path of bricks. 671 days ago I saw the first other person I had ever seen among the perfectly manicured hedges. 623 days ago I talked to her. 543 days ago she talked back. 217 days ago we met someone else. 30 days ago I watched them both die. Yesterday I found a weapon. There are things I’ve learned about this place; where to find food, where to drink, where to sleep out of the rain.  There are things I’ve feared, starving, loneliness, dying in a spurt of too bright blood.  There are things I’ve fled from.  I don’t know if they can be killed but I guess from a logical point I don’t know yet if I can be. Today I’m going to find out. I crouched among the bushes at the end of the lane.  The garden here was less shrubs and more l...

I still haven't been in the mood to write, but I am quite pleased with my container garden this year. Pictures ... Miniorc's tomato plant. Four baby tomatoes so far. Orclette's strawberry plant. She's actually gotten quite a few and has enjoyed being able to pick them, wash them off, and then eat the product of her labor. Overall view of our front porch. Damm thinks it looks messy, I think it's not messy enough. I'll eventually have a jungle of a garden when I have the time and space.

I haven't felt much like writing, journaling or even texting. I'm guessing this is another phase of numbness, another step along the grieving path. The grief is a part of me now, something I let out every once in a while so that it doesn't build up too much. I wrote something in my journal one day after going to church on Sunday. Church was hard during the singing. It's as if I'm staring at heaven, knowing Cayden is there and how good it is, and it uplifts and breaks my heart at the same time. I've been savoring this poignancy since it is one that does not overwhelm me and it is a source of hope. The Orclette asked me the other day why I was still sad, why I still had days where I struggled to function normally. I told her that it would never truly go away, but that she and Miniorc were sources of joy for me. It has to be a rough time to be a friend to someone, after they've lost someone. I'm fortunate (not really fortunate, of course, since I'...

For those of you not familiar with Joel Rubin's The Maker's Diet  it's a Creationist lifestyle that parallels the Primal/Paleo lifestyle (they both end up at similar ending points but are based on different premises). I've talked about it but never actually read his book (I think I skimmed it at one point). I'm still not through the whole thing-I read a chapter yesterday filled with terms I hadn't heard before and came out of it knowing only that phytates are bad. The rest of it went over my head. The book was written to illustrate Rubin's fight with Crohn's, which he very nearly died from and now has no symptoms of. He tried every diet out there, visited numerous legitimate doctors and also tried numerous quack ones. No one could permanently help him. Once he came across this Biblically-based one he jumped into it feet first and had an amazing transformation. He became convinced that many of our illnesses stem from our modern diet-something which many...

I mean, other than the emotional and physical weirdness that occurs and that is completely normal. What I didn't expect was to suddenly gain three pounds and then not be able to take it off. I'm currently nine pounds heavier than I was pre-Cayden. At this point if I expressed my angst most people would say not to worry about it, that I've been through a trauma and it just takes a while to go back to normal. I know this. It doesn't really help. For me, and I'm sure for countless others, getting back to normal, whatever that was for you, is a way of reasserting control in a situation that is out of your control. So it is hard to accept that yet another thing is not up to you, especially  when you've had eating disorders in the past like I have (which is another way of trying to assert control over something). I won't return to those habits-God pulled me out of that way of life for a reason-and fortunately I have a set pattern of how to lose weight to return ...

Have I shared the story of how I took the Miniorc to the ER for the worst diaper rash case in history? He had just been born. My mother and I were exhausted (Damm was in AIT) and perhaps not thinking entirely rationally. He had been uncomfortable, crying and not sleeping. When my mom changed his diaper she saw blood, so of course we were in full emergency mode. I had no idea who to call so we went to the ER, where we found out it was a diaper rash. While we were there, though, we got to experience the antics of someone completely drunk or high (not sure which) who was bursting through room doors all over the ER. I had gone to the bathroom so it was just my mom and her newborn grandson when he came through our door. I don't think she's viewed that ER in the same benevolent way again. Anyway, back to the present time. Damm has been having excruciating headaches. He described it as a 10 on that 1-10 scale (hah. Sorry love, I've been through labor, and they told me my pain co...

Did you know that Mary, mother of Jesus, personally takes care of the babies in heaven? The Orclette informed me of this fact a couple of weeks ago. It startled us at first-not being raised Catholic, we simply didn't talk or hear about Mary other than at Christmas-but then we agreed. Who knows? And her statement was beautiful, since she merely assumed that Jesus, who loves us, would want his own mama to take care of Cayden since we couldn't. She's come up with a few other tear-inducing observations as well, and also a song, which I had to ask her to stop singing. We had just visited his grave and I simply was not able to handle the refrain of "I love you Cayden". But it too was beautiful. And here we are, nearly one month afterwards. We are back in our routines and it has helped. The concerned looks and hugs from people have stopped, which is good, since now I'm not prepared to handle them. I veer wildly from joyful to depressed with little warning. I've...